Pendulum
by Smudje
Summary: We know Lisbon raised her brothers. But we know nothing about her feelings being their surrogate mother. Has she regrets? Did she want more from life than she got in the end?
1. What's there to lose

Summery: We know Lisbon raised her brothers. But we know nothing about her feelings doing do. Has she regrets? Maybe she wanted more than she got in the end?

A/N: A dark little fic on how Lisbon felt about being a surrogate mother.

Disclaimer: Don't own...

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**Pendulum**

_Behind my eyes there's rage alone. But you don't understand it was all home- grown. I'm not afraid I just don't belong. It may be cynical but it all seems wrong._

She lay on her bedroom floor. Eyes fixed on the ceiling. Her breath came heavy and wrecked. Tears slid down her face. Her heart beating rapidly. Wiping the blood from her face. She could hear the quiet cries from next door. Her youngest brother's room. But she couldn't make herself move. So she listened to her breathing and the muffled sobs from next door. Soon smashing and cursing from downstairs added to the sounds she concentrated on wishing herself away. Far away from this place. From the responsibility plunked onto her shoulders. The expectations everybody around her seem to have that she struggled to live up to. Life in general left her exhausted. Her emotions ashamed. She felt so torn. She'd be graduating in a few weeks and all she could picture her future to be was this stupid job at the diner and the job at home. She felt ashamed for wanting more. Wanting more than seeing her brothers happy. More than keeping their father's abusive streak from them. Taking it all herself. She had an inkling that Tommy knew. But if he did, he certainly remained blissfully unaware as to not end up in a position he might have to come out of his passive state and stand up for his sister. She felt rage. And of course shame followed suit. She could be more. Every teacher in highschool shook their heads in disbelief when Teresa told them she'd not accept the scholarship and study medicine but stay here to collect herself. What bullshit. She'd always dreamt of being a surgeon.

_All these fears and all this love. All you've given me is not enough._

The door opened behind her and her youngest brothers entered the room cautiously. The youngest James had only been born when their mother died and had just now stopped calling Teresa mum. He clutched his teddy to his chest. Matt, two years older than James had his hand on his brother's back. Both waiting for her to acknowledge them. Seeing them standing there. Clear as day that they loved her deeply Teresa felt even guiltier. She loved them with all her heart and the last thing she wanted for them was to have a bad childhood. But she couldn't help but realize that the love they've been giving her was not enough. She beckoned them to enter when another flood of curses erupted from the lower level of the house. Slowly they eased themselves down next to their sister and snuggled up to her. She cared deeply. She couldn't stand the thought of them getting hurt by their father so leaving never really was an option. All she could do was hope that love will be enough.

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thx for reading

The song is from Pendulum - The fountain (great band check it out if you haven't heard of them. Awesome drum ´n´bass)


	2. Aufstehn

**A/N: I tried my hand on something angst and drama free. It's one thirty in the morning so every mistake you find is mine. And writing in a foreign language is not the easiest thing but at 1:30 am it's even harder(I realized) but I have to take what my muse gives me at any time or it will slip away. So done with rambling...**

Summery: The weight of their reality had slipped out of focus for a while.

Disclaimer: I don't own the mentalist

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It was a busy night in the 24 hour diner Teresa worked at. Trucker, sleepless and the lost were occupying the tattered tables and enjoying a good meal. The burgers were exceptional and famous all over the city. Melinda, Teresa's good natured boss and Billy the cook were the other persons working the night shift that was drawing closer too the end. Teresa liked it here. She had just started working at the diner and already felt comfortable. Especially seeing that Melinda risked her licence if it became known that an 15 year old girl was working night shifts. She was so grateful for the risk her boss took for her. She needed the money.

Her mother had died three years ago and family life had gone downhill ever since. In the beginning some of her father's money actually made it home for her and her brothers but lately it had gotten lost in bars way too often. Baby sitting and lawn mowing didn't cut it anymore so she looked for a job. She went to school in the mornings. Spent the afternoon with her brothers til she went to work in the evenings. She rarely worked past midnight but once every now and then it happened. Today was such a day.

School and her duties at home had left her exhausted and the busy shift she was working didn't help. She was just refilling Mr. Jenson's coffee made polite small talk and dodged every compliment and flirting when it went dark. For some seconds everything went silent and then the silence turned into noise. The customers were chatting among each other anxiously while Melinda and Billy tried to find the source for the loss of power. Teresa made her way to the cashier to keep people from taking advantage of the situation. After several minutes that felt like hours in the darkness only lit by lighters Melinda brought candles.

„Okay people listen. We don't have power so we're closing up now. I apologize for the inconvinience."

After the guests paid Melinda turned to Teresa:" I think you can call it a night. If you want you can pack some of the food. We won't be able to sell it tomorrow anyway." She sent her favorite employee a warm and encouraging smile.

Teresa returned the smile and after packing some food she left. She loved walking through the quiet and dimly lit streets of her hometown. Everything was eerily quiet and calm. That were the minutes no one expected anything from her and she was just Teresa Lisbon a 15 year old teenager. Only when she arrived home that illusion would evaporate into nothingness. Walking through the front door the 15 year old teenager turned into a 15 year old surrogate mother and punching bag. But today she had an idea.

Standing on the front lawn gazing into the sky she made a decision. Smiling and with a spring in her step she moved into the house, climbed the stairs and made her way to her brothers' rooms. It was close to five o' clock so they had to hurry.

„Matt, James. Wake up," she whispered. Matt was five and James was only three. When they were up she walked into Tommy's room her little brothers in tow.

„Hey Tommy. Wake up:" Tommy was thirteen and still deeply hurting from their mother's death and their father's deterioration.

„Why?" he asked sleepily.

Teresa only smiled and told him to dress and beckoned him to follow. Teresa carried a basket in one hand and supported James with the other arm. Matt skipped on next to her and Tommy followed behind them. No one spoke. Even though the excitement was palpable in the air. She knew Tommy and Matt itched to ask where they were going but refrained from it. After a half an hour walk they found themselves at the shore. Teresa put the basket down and then James. Bending she retrieved a blanket and set the food out onto it. Huge grins split Tommy's and Matt's faces even little James was excited seeing all the delicious food. They dugged in enthusiastically and shared stories of their week, There was no tension surrounding them as it usually was. There were siblings spending time together.

„Look," Teresa tried to get their attention. It was a festive meal at the shore under the rising sun. The weight of their reality had slipped out of focus for a while.

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Thx for reading


	3. a place where you belong

**A/N: I'm not so happy with that oneshot. I read it over and over but couldn't figure out a more satisfying way to write so I'm just gonna publish it as it came.**

Summery: The day had come. But now that it's here she doesn't feel the way she imagined she would feel. No hatred no anger. Just grief and pain.

Disclaimer: I don't own the mentalist. The song I used is property of Bullet for my valentine

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_Too late, too late. Can't even ask you why. And now I'm wasting away in my own misery. I hope you've finally gone to a place where you belong  
_

Days had passed. Years gone by. Well twenty years now. She'd been promoted to senior chef at the diner. She couldn't help but snort bitterly thinking of the leap she had taken in her working career. At least she earned enough money for a comfortable life for all of them. She got better in hiding the money from her drunk of a father and her thief of a brother. Tommy got lost along the way. But she didn't have the time and energy to try and get him back on track cause he obviously didn't want to. She hadn't been able to stop him from dropping out of school only a year before he would have graduated. Now he wasted away in whatever park served him and his stupid friends as a place to hang out. Drinking and doing drugs. But she couldn't find it in herself to care anymore. He was only two years younger than her but never so much as raised a finger to help her with the duties and responsibility but demanded and demanded. In the end they had a major fall out and hadn't spoken ever since. He didn't acknowledge the sacrifiices she made for them at all and accused her of only spending her time on their little brothers. He actually was pissed off at Teresa for not paying a fortune for expensive brands. Freaking ungrateful brat.

_Too late, too late. I never said goodbye._

Their father's condition had turned from bad to worse. He was a wreck. Always changing from angry to a sobbing shadow of a human being. She couldn't hide his abusive personality form her brothers anymore but was still able to prevent him from beating them. She had reached a point she couldn't even summon the strentgh to hate him anymore. The only emotion she'd been able to feel towards him lately was pity. Even when she could hardly move and every step would jostle her bruised ribs. Even then all she felt was pity. Even more when he had unleashed his anger onto her and broke down afterwards. Sobbing and apologizing. Pityful._  
_

_My sadness shows. As your name is carved in stone. Can't erase the words, the reality grows._

She was tired. Her brothers would spent the day at their friends' house and Tommy whereever he would find himself. Having just finished the morning shift at the diner she sighed in relief when the front door clicked shut behind her. Throwing her jacket onto the kitchen counter she opened the fridge retrieving a bottle of water she drank greedily. Suddenly a groan broke the silence. A groan in itself wasn't unusual in the Lisbon household but there was something about that sound that made her shiver. Slowly she put the bottle down and listened for the sound. As she heard it again she followed the sound into the living room. And the scene that unfolded in front of her eyes had her holding her breath. She walked into the room. Closer to the source of that sound and sat on the table opposite from the couch. On it lay her father. Sweaty and breathing heavy and unsteady. His eyes were half open close to fluttering shut for the last time. Empty pill and booze bottles were littered around him.

„Tess?" he breathed and tried to grasp her hand.

She hesitated before taking it and squeezing it gently. She could see the tears on his face and realized she was crying as well.

„I'm sorry," he rasped out trying to catch his daughter's eyes.

She couldn't talk nor could she move. She knew she should be calling an ambulance but she couldn't make herself move. That's what he'd been waiting for. All those years after his wife's death he'd been longing to be with her. Feeling guilty for that wish and trying to drink the guilt away. Right at that moment she realized all of this. That didn't make it any less painful but still she could understand.

_I wish I died. On that night right by your side. So just kill me now, let the good times roll  
_

„I hope you can forgive me one day", his voice growing smaller and weaker with every breath he took.

A lump formed in her throat. She felt hot tears on her face. Never had she thought she would feel more than anger and hatred on that day that she had wished for many times in the past years. But now that the day had come she couldn't help but feel grief and pain about that man that had abandoned them and abused her and Tommy. Pain about what they had lost on the day her mother had died. Pain about every missed opportunity in her life because of him. And still she couldn't bring herself to hate him as she had promised herself. But even though she would finally manage to forgive she would never forget. The damage he'd done was too deep. She cupped his face gently and whispered:" I hope you're finally gone to a place where you belong."

_Will you wait for me? When I see you on the other side. You won't have to wait too long. Will you come to me?. When you're safely to the other side 'cause here I don't belong_

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thx for reading  
_


	4. The crooked frown

**The crooked frown**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or the show.**

**Summery: It seems that Patrick Jane and Teresa Lisbon did know each other before they worked together for the CBI. That might be the reason Teresa knows how to spot his masks.**

**A/N: My apologies for any mistakes in the story. I hope it's not too bad ;)  
**

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**He had run. Nothing new or spectacular with that. His father was going to shout at him tonight but nothing bad. He was the boy wonder after all. In the beginning this boy wonder thing felt awesome. Creeping people out by showing them how transparent they were to him. How he would find any secret the had just by looking at them. It used to feel great. Until he had to hurt people by playing his tricks. He had felt sick to his stomach when he had conned the dying girl and her mother grasping at straws and he had to take advantage of their grief and despair. Slowly Patrick had gotten used to pushing his conscience away but sometimes all he wanted was to run. That's what he had done today. He had taken the day off and meandered about the small town they were staying at.

It had already been hours of aimless walking when he stopped short in front of a run down looking diner that still cast of a very homey and comfortable feeling. But that diner hadn't made him stop. It was the girl serving at it. She must be around 15 or 16. Shiny and wavy brown hair and as she looked up he could see intense green eyes. But what drew him in was the sadness that emanated from the beautiful girl. Before his brain could catch on his hand was already reaching out for the door and pushed it open. He stood in the doorway for a few seconds unsure of what to do but then entered it. He sat down at the counter and waited for the girl to acknowledge him. When she failed to do so for several minutes he cleared his throat. He had very amazing people reading skills but he lacked the player- I'm- comfortable- with- chatting- up- beautiful- girls- skills. So he felt nervous. She had still not looked up. So he moved a few seats so that he ended up sitting right across from here and retrieved a deck of cards from his pocket.

"Pick a card!" he said cheerfully to hide his nerves holding out the cards to her.

She looked up slowly her eyebrow raised and shot him an amused half smile. He nodded at the cards indicating that she should take a card. Giving him a mocking glance she humored him and picked a card. "Okay so what now?"she said sceptically.

"Memorize it, put it back into the deck and send the image of the card to me. I'll tell you what card you picked. And if I'm right you invite on a coffee," he finished smugly.

"Will I?" she asked him amused and a little weirded out but did as she was told. She watched as he shuffled the cards and make strange movements. He moved closer to her face while touching both his pointer finger to his temples keeping his eyes closed in concentration. Suddenly his eyes flew open and he shouted:"Heart ace!"with a confident smile.

Her eyebrows rose up slightly an amused smile on her lips when she simply shook her head.

"So we haven't cleared what you would have to do when you lost. You were pretty sure of your skills huh?"she said only barely keeping herself from bursting into laughter taking in his confused facial expression.

He shook his head and pointed at her:" No you're playing me. I'm never wrong."

This time she couldn't hold her laughter. After she calmed down a bit she said in a challenging voice:"Proof it."

He opened and closed his mouth a few times not knowing what to respond to that. He really wasn't sure if she was playing him. Where was his smug confidence when he really needed it.

"So," she said, "how are you going to pay up for it?" He couldn't help but be astounded at her boldness. When he had looked into her haunted eyes from outside the diner he would have bet she was a lot more forlorn. But she was funny and confident.

"Well there's this carnival in town. Have you been there yet?"he asked curiously. "No," she answered shortly with an uncomfortable edge to her voice.

"So how I about I'll take you after you finish your shift? I mean you can't have a carnival in your town and not go there. Seriously." He could basically see her face closing off while he was speaking and he had absolutely no idea why that was. He became nervous again as he waited for her to say something. He really seemed to lack social bonding skills with persons of his own age without the intention to con them into spending all their money on him- the boy wonder. He definitely blamed that one on his father.

Teresa looked at the nervous face looking at her waiting for an answer. It had been fun joking around with him. Especially taking him off guard seeing his confident mask slip from time to time. He seemed to have lots of them not being able to be confident with the impression his natural self would make on people. He seemed to have a habit of switching between overly confident and unsure of himself. But he looked like fun. And she'd really needed a little fun in her life. But still she felt guilty for going to the carnival while her brother had been practically begging her to go with them.

The same time the other half of herself argued that she was spending her entire life and energy on her brothers that she had earned to not sacrifice everything for them. With a tiny bit of a guilty conscience she looked up into his face and smiled. "That would work for me. You're lucky actually. I've been off ever since to entered the place,"she said grinning widely.

He made an appalled face:" Excuse me? So you let me work hard to get your attention to place an order just to pass me on to another waiter in the end?" He couldn't believe it. He shook his head laughing lightly grasping her hand and dragging her out of the diner towards the carnival. When they arrived by the entrance he was greeted by Monty:" Hey Patrick. We've been missing you today. You're Dad's kinda angry at you for taking off. Hey who's the lovely girl you bringing?"

He underlined the last part with a knowing smirk that seemed to implicate that Patrick brought a lot of girls here and that girl meant only girls for him. Nameless girls. Was it a mask again or the truth Teresa wondered while she watched them closely.

Patrick just shrugged him off and walking past him he called over his shoulder a cocky air about him:" I have no idea." Strong laughter and Monty's voice carrying to them:" Good boy. Like your Daddy a real lady's man."

Patrick turned towards her and asked smugly:"Monty had a point who are you lovely girl?" Again he received an amused grin and he hurried after her to catch up.

"Secretive much?"he enquired slightly annoyed.

"No Patrick. Actually I'm not. You just asked wrong."she told him trying to get him to reveal his true self, pretending to be annoyed.

He stopped walking feeling confused while she kept walking slowly facing him sporting that endearing grin. He huffed and walked after her. Who does unterstand girls he thought frustrated. "How did I ask wrong?" he asked sounding a little helpless.

"For a split second I thought you might be suffering from a split personality. Switching between a cocky player and a nervous young boy. Which is it?"she said indifferently. Again he stopped short looking like a deer caught in the headlights. "Monty didn't mean it like that. I didn't." He nervously walked right up to her and held out his hand:"I'm Patrick. A nervous young boy. But please keep that to yourself would you?"

Her expression softened and she took his hand:"Teresa." Grinning broadly at each other they set off onto the grounds. Yep, just masks she thought to herself laughing lightly to herself as she enjoyed a carefree day that was a rare occurrence in her life.

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Hope you like it. I'd be very happy to read what you think.


	5. Colors

**Colors**

**Summery:** Did Lisbon lie when Patrick did the card trick back when they were teenagers? The question rises in the present while Jane entertains the SCU Team in CBI.

**Disclaimer:** Don't own

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She'd been stuck in her office ever since she stepped into the CBI building and set her eyes on the ever growing pile of files. Laughter from the bullpen distracted her from her files once more. A groan escaped her mouth and she let her head drop onto her desk with a thud. She hated paper work. She'd rather be part of the fun outside but shouldering the responsibility as a team leader she had to keep up the facade. Another groan escaped her as she poured all of her hatred she could muster into the glare she sent the large pile of unfinished files. But the sense of responsibility her teenage years had instilled in her didn't allow her to procrastinate anymore than she already had playing solitaire on her pc the better part of the morning. Again laughter found their way to her office which caused her discipline to waver. Picking up her empty cup using it as an excuse to leave her office and make her way into the bullpen to see what had everybody in such a good mood. She wasn't surprised seeing Jane up and entertaining the team with card tricks. Watching him doing that reminded her of that insecure 15 year old boy using a card trick to talk to her. Grinning to herself she enjoyed the knowledge that Jane didn't seem to remember. It had taken her a few years to realize that the pain-in-the-ass-consultant Patrick Jane in fact the Patrick who had taken her to the carnival. While reminiscing she had walked further into the bullpen still sporting that wide grin.

"Lisbon" Jane exclaimed enthusiastically.

He approached her shoving a deck of cards into her face saying:" Pick a card Lisbon and don't fight it. It is clear that you came to join us because you can't stand being holed up in your office with those stupid files anymore."

Lisbon snorted and answered:" Those stupid files that you are talking you are mainly responsible for? You mean those?"

He grinned at her widely:" Meh.. Woman have some fun once in a while and you enjoyed my plan for the last case. Come on pick a card."

She didn't fight his assumptions because she really had enjoyed that plan. She found it tiring to do everything by the book. But she'd rather bite her tongue than to admit that to him. So she reached out and picked a card her face totally blank. As she put it back she raised an eyebrow at him challenging him. After shuffling the cards his grin turned smug.

"Heart ace."

Her face broke into a wide grin and she said:" What happens now the great Patrick Jane got it wrong?"

First he stared at her trying to discern if she was lying or not. After not finding what he was looking for his smug grin turned into a confused frown.

But still he stated confidently(what he wasn't feeling):" You're lying."

Still grinning Lisbon replied while walking into the kitchenette:" You can't tell. And do you know why I know that? Because I recognize that look. I put it there about twenty years ago. I would recognize it."

As he watched her walk away he couldn't help nut feeling stunned. How hadn't he realized that. That girl he met and that hadn't left his mind alone ever since was Lisbon. Hi boss. Now that he thought about it the similarity were clear. He had done the same card trick and named the same card and she had totally thrown him off as he had been wrong. What made him nervous was that she knew a side of him nobody had ever seen after that summer. The total opposite from the womanizing guy he had become. He didn't realize his jaw was still on the floor until she re entered the bullpen chuckling at his expense.

"So you already lied to me back then?"He enquired.

With a shrug and a grin she walked back into her office relishing in the fact that she had the upper hand, a rarity with Patrick Jane. Out in the bullpen three people were sharing confused and curious glances trying to make each other walk over to Jane and get an answer, Rigsby lost and before he could even attempt to ask anything Jane was already up walking briskly towards Lisbon's office. He needed to know but with everything that had unfolded up until today he knew he had nothing left but to plead. There was no gain with this side of Lisbon which she rarely showed. Somehow these recent revelations had stripped her from his Jane-Powers. Just as she had done all those years ago in that diner and later at the Carnival. But she can't know that she could have this kind of an impact on him.

"Did you lie? He asked plopping down onto the chair opposite from Lisbon his confident mask firmly in place.

She glanced up from her game of solitaire and answered smugly:" This is really bugging you, isn't it? You also had no idea that we met before. An awesome mentalist like you are." While she said that she patted his hand mockingly.

She turned back to her game and managed to ignore him.

Three weeks later the team had pieced the puzzle together and were practically begging her to tell him the truth. Jane had been worse than ever before. Bugging ther entire team, witnesses and basically everyone crossing his path. Worse than usually Jane worse. That bad actually that Cho had showed strong emotion on his face. Finally after being called a lyer while trying to gain a suspects trust(which failed because Jane exaggerated the story) and finding her office plastered in heart aces with the message- liar, liar pants on fire- she came to the conclusion that it just wasn't worth the hassle. But what made her really tell him was the teams' despair.

So three weeks later she stalked into the bullpen stopping at Jane's couch and kicking it swiftly to gain its occupants attention.

"I lied. Twenty years ago and three week ago. I picked the heart ace. But you were so awesomely insecure back then. I mean using a card trick to talk to instead of a hello. You were pretending to be so confident that I couldn't resist trying to throw you off. The reaction I gained were worth it."

With that she turned and walked into her office feeling great. He had the upper hand basically almost all the time so she had to relish the moments when the tables turned.

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Thx for reading


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